When will my life begin?

I just finished teaching my 15th summer of Princess Camp. It is such a fun part of the summer where I get to teach ballet classes, make crafts, and do all things magical with groups of little girls. While I thoroughly enjoy playing make believe all week with these princesses, this week felt bitter sweet.

Ever since I was little, I have LOVED costumes and dressing up. Whether it is Halloween, a dance recital, school spirit day- I go full out! So naturally for camp, I wear princess costumes. This doesn't bring the same joy it used to. Last summer, I had to buy all new costumes because I've gained so much weight on this journey to motherhood. The costumes I had been wearing for over a decade don't fit and I needed new L/XL ones. I have to say, gowns just aren't as pretty when they look that wide. It doesn't help when you have to see yourself in the dress in a studio with a full wall of mirrors. I don't recognize this body and I hate it. It just reminds me that my body is failing me.

More mixed emotions arise as I watch all the sweet little girls. All I have ever wanted is to be a mom, but especially to a daughter. I have dreamed of buying sparkly gowns or those little plastic clip-clop heels and pretending to have a ball in our living room. When I see these children with that sparkle in their eyes as they twirl about, I wonder if I will ever get to see my little girl do that. I hope I will, but it might not happen.

During the week, I have my princess playlist on repeat. They of course love to sing and dance to "Let it Go," but other favorites come from the movie "Tangled." The song that resonated with me this week was "When Will My Life Begin?" In this part of the movie, Rapunzel is stuck in her tower and keeps doing the same things every day: chores, crafts, baking, rereading the same books... She feels stuck and just wants to break out of the cycle and start truly living. I feel this in my soul. I feel stuck in this infertility haze where life just doesn't feel like it has meaning. When I feel my purpose is to be a mother, I'm stuck waiting- waiting for something that may never happen. If I could just see into the future and know IF or WHEN, maybe the waiting would be easier. So I sing out, "When will my life begin?!" Because I am ready.