Poppy

I never know how anniversaries will affect me until they arrive. Many gears in motion turned in synchronicity as what could have been my Poppy’s 2nd birthday arrives. It all feels like fate in more way that one.

April 21, 2022 was my due date for my first pregnancy. This day 2 years ago was so difficult. Thankfully it was spring break so I was allowed to ride the wave of emotions however it may have moved me. I hadn’t had medical answers yet nor had I lost my second pregnancy. I still had an optimistic view on pregnancy and parenthood, but this date hurt none the less. There was this emptiness in my heart, arms, and soul that simply isn’t describable. I was and am still filled with anger and questions of “why.”

With this being the first “big date,” I felt this pressure to find the perfect way to honor our baby on this day, like I needed to set a precedent now for the rest of my time on earth. I tried to make this cute cake using a miniature 3 tiered cake mold… it turned out awful and I just threw it in the garbage. Michael and I went to the movie theater to see the new Fantistic Beasts movie and I sobbed when the baby mooncalf was killed. I read a book of poetry about miscarriages and allowed myself to cry. I didn’t know what I was doing or why I was trying so hard to search for this perfect “something.”

The only thing that truly felt right was the memorial windchime from my support group, Untold Stories. It was simple, yet everything. It wasn’t an action or choice of any kind. All I had to do was sit and listen, having the wind do all the work. The noise of that chime has brought me so much peace the past 2 years. Even though the bottom handle and 2 of the metal chimes have broken off, I can’t imagine taking it down or replacing it yet. The sound is still so meaningful and a gift that lasts… lives on.

This brings me to one of the cogs that aligned in time for Poppy’s “birthday.” On April 19th, a dance scholarship was awarded to a little girl in honor of my babies. My parents informed us of the “Poppy and Hawthorn Damskey” (PHD) scholarship this past Christmas and told us how my mom would select one special little kid for the studio each year to receive it. It just so happens that a tiny toddler was awarded it just in time for this weekend. I saw photos and videos of the little girl’s sweet face and it made my heart glow. The best “birthday” gift my baby could receive from heaven is knowing she brought joy and the love of dance to another little girl. Her life was so short, less than 6 weeks inside me, just the size of a poppy seed, yet her legacy will live on through this sweet little girl this year and others in years to come.

The final cog that occurs now is the start of national infertility awareness week. The first day of this week happens to occur on April 21st this year. Over the past 3+ years we have been trying to conceive and struggling each step of the way, I have been so frustrated by the fact that infertility and loss are such taboo subjects in America today. It hurts me to know that so many other women and families suffer in silence. While I will always ask God, “Why me?,” I truly believe one of the reasons I was chosen to travel this tumultuous journey is to help those other women. I am open, transparent, and not afraid to speak out with my story. I am happy to talk to others in similar positions to myself. No matter where my journey to parenthood takes me, I will continue to be an advocate for women like me and be an active member in my support groups. I can’t change the world’s view of pregnancy loss and infertility, but I can try. It’s how I honor my babies everyday and make meaning of the tragedies we’ve endured.

So fate has reminded me today that Poppy’s short little life has meaning. She lives on through me and my family and will have a great impact on the world.

Until we meet one day, all my love ❤️