What Could Have Been One

There isn't really a term for today. It isn't a birthday because I never birthed him. I guess it's a "due date anniversary," but that seems too wordy. Today is what could have been Hawthorn's first birthday.

If I stop for a moment to think about what life could be like today if things turned out differently... it would be completely different and completely wonderful. Having Hawthorn would mean that the first miscarriage was just a fluke and I can actually carry a healthy baby. Even more importantly, it'd mean we'd be parents to someone with out paws or angel wings. We would be happy and whole.

By this time, we would have had months of sleepless nights filled with diapers, bottles, and cries from both baby and parent. We would have about a million photos of him everywhere- framed on the wall, phone wallpapers, social media, you name it! We would have experienced so many firsts: first simile, rolling over, sitting up, crawling, first foods, and all the other things that happen in that first year. If he would have been like me, he'd have been walking for a couple months already. If he was like little Michael, he'd have the chubbiest arms and legs. He and Finn would totally be best buds! They would lay together on the dog bed and I'm sure I'd have to tell Hawthorn constantly not to put the dog's toys in his mouth. We would be the happiest family.

I know that I would have thrown a huge birthday party this weekend too! It would be an absolutely over the top theme party with more decorations and food than needed. Maybe it would have been "Winter One-derland" themed with snowflakes and polar bears and penguins. Perhaps I'd be pushing my Harry Potter obsession on him and go with "The Chosen ONE" theme. Or maybe he would have developed his own favorite things over the year. Maybe he would love zoo animals or Mickey Mouse. Either way, it would have been an amazing party filled with love and happiness. Plus it's like 60 degrees this weekend in January in Maryland! What a gift that would have been for our little guy to get a chance to spend time with family outside a bit. Blow bubbles, roll balls, or ride on some ridiculous toy one of the grandparents would have bought even though we said we didn't have room.

Behold, this is not how it turned out. My baby left too soon. I don't even know if he IS a HE. My heart tells me though so I latch on to that thought as I dream about what life would be like with my son. Happy First Birthday to my sweet boy in Heaven. I will love you and Poppy forever. I hope you have cupcakes and ice cream together 🤍🤍