Ups and Downs

The life of living with infertility is such a difficult thing. It is a rollercoaster with drops, twists, and turns at any moment. You live life all while holding your breath for good news, but if good news comes, you can’t breathe a sigh of relief because you’ve been conditioned to expect another plummet to be lurking just around the corner. Just when I thought I would get an answer and a solution path, I got the opposite.

As you may know, we did our 4th egg retrieval in May. During the process, my heart was telling that this would be our last one. I can’t put my finger on why, but that’s how it felt. The pressure was ON yet again. During stims (the “stimulation” phase before a retrieval where you take medications to get as many eggs as possible to grow), things were not looking great. Yet again, I was showing just one follicle (egg). My doctors are stumped as to why my ovaries don’t “act their age.” I don’t know why I expected this round to be different, but there is always that part of me that thinks “this time will be different.”

This time was different though. As I went in to the operating room, I felt off. The pressure, stress, and anxiety were higher than before the other 3 retrieval surgeries. When I was waking up from the procedure, I thought I was dying. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t get all 5 of my senses working at the same time. I could either hear or I could see. I was having an extreme anxiety attack. The pressure to have my body succeed caught up with me along with the hormones and anesthesia. It lasted 15 minutes. I was hyperventilating and crying and feeling the walls close in for what felt like an eternity. My husband was my rock. Other people were talking, but I could only hear him. He told the staff I was having an anxiety attack because I didn’t know the results yet. He helped me breathe. He told me I was doing a good job while the doctor told me to stop crying because I would scare the other patients. It wasn’t until I was told that they miraculously got 2 eggs that I felt air truly enter my lungs.

On June 10th we got the call from our nurse with the PGTA genetic results. By the grace of God, BOTH embryos are genetically normal. For the first time ever, we have 100% genetically viable embryos! I heard the news and wanted so badly to celebrate and jump up and down and cry tears of joy. I didn’t though, or rather I couldn’t. Even though this is a huge step for us, I know there is SO much more to go.

So we have 3 chances at a biological child. The 2 fully normal embryos and the low level mosaic embryo from the 3rd retrieval. That’s it. I have to make these embryos count and do all I can to let them survive. With that came talking to an endocrinologist. With an extensive family history of thyroid problems as well as exhibiting many of the related symptoms (ex: infertility, irregular menstruation, hair loss, weight gain, etc.), I felt it was necessary as did my fertility clinic.

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, you call it a duck, right? I expected these new doctors to find the underlying problem that’s been hiding all this time and help me. Help me get my old body and self back AND become a mother. I was wrong though. No thyroid issues are present at this moment, yet they say I will 100% have them at some point in my life. Then why do I have such extensive hair loss that I have bald spots? Why do my ovaries act like they are 45? Well that because my hormone levels indicate that I will experience menopause very early in life. No one can seem to define what “very early” means. Am I looking at 40? Am I looking at 35? Or can I expect it even sooner? Instead of leaving the endocrinologist with a solution path, I left with timer that suddenly caused the sand to start falling a lot faster.

If I have 3 chances at becoming a mother to a child that is biologically ours, what do I do? It is so complicated as there are so many factors. Time is a huge one. Should I hurry up and transfer an embryo before menopause sets in? Is transferring an embryo into MY body worth the risk? What has my body done to prove it can handle pregnancy? With previous miscarriages, hormonal abnormalities, a blood clotting disorder, not to mention severe back issues/pain… Do I even need to mention the psychological component? The thing I want most in the world is simultaneously the thing I fear most: pregnancy. I am not a gambler, but even I know my body is not a good bet.

So how do we proceed? I think we will attempt a transfer once insurance approves it. I’m willing to sacrifice my physical and mental health at a chance of having a child. It terrifies me though. I like to think I am strong enough, but I know I won’t be able to be strong every second of every day for 9 months. We have started to look at surrogacy as an option, but agencies cost upwards of $100k. Even with insurance, IVF has taken a finantial toll. I’d pay anything to be a mom though.

I don’t know what to do. There isn’t a manual for these types of life changing decisions. I pray that whatever we choose leads us to joy and happiness rather than regret and sorrow.