Waiting Room to Parenthood

This quote has always been special and resonated with me. It tells me that life can be a mix of light and dark at the same time. It means that you can be living your darkest days, but a glimmer of happiness can still be found. Right now though, I am struggling to find the light. Life seems to be existing in tones of gray and black right now and all the things that usually bring brightness, somehow are dimmed.

I keep thinking my darkest days are behind me and then BAM, a new wave of grief, fear, and everything else comes tumbling down on me. I thought my two losses were the hardest (Aug 2021 and May 2022), but now after so much failure in fertility treatment, my hope some how keeps getting dimmer. We are in a bit of a limbo as we wait for authorizations to start what feels like our last resort. I didn’t want to have to get to the point of IVF. Shouldn’t my body be able to do this? We are lucky to have some insurance coverage, but it will still be thousands of dollars for each egg retrieval/transfer. My husband joked about it saying, “Well, everyone knows babies are expensive.” I became irate! No- diapers are expensive. Clothes and food are expensive. Delivery hospital bills are expensive and ALL bills parents have to pay. But spending thousands of MORE dollars just to get a CHANCE at this life I’ve dreamed of? I just can’t believe this is my reality.

Does this new journey into IVF give us better chances- absolutely. Will it all be worth it-the physical and emotional pain, financial burden, constant agony- if I get to bring a baby home one day?! Yes!!! But that “if” is what keeps me up at night. That if is what sucks all the light out of the room. I just wish we could have a guarantee. I am so done with being in the “waiting room to parenthood.” It feels like everyone around me has been called back, some more than once. When will I get my turn? I don’t know how long I can keep waiting for.

However, I will still search for the light in each day. It might take some creativity, but I know it’s there. I am strong and I can do this! I just wish I didn’t have to.