One thing that has been constant in my fertility journey is anxiety. As someone who was diagnosed with it long before trying to conceive, it has truly been a struggle the past few years. What makes anxiety so complicated is that it comes in many different forms. You never know which shape it will take and how it will affect you at that time. Let me introduce you to some of their identities.
The House Fly: It buzzes around your head, but can be easily swatted away and forgotten for periods of time. I can live with the house fly and function completely normal. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather my headspace be fly free, but I can accept the minor pest.
The Parrot: It sits on your shoulder and squawks in your ear. It tells you all of your doubts and negative thoughts. It’s presence is much more noticeable than the fly as it resides on your shoulder and doesn’t fly away for moments of reprieve. However, sometimes you can quieten the bird with internal reason. It takes a conscious effort to balance the logic with the lies. The parrot can be lived with most days, at least for short spurts of time. When he becomes a long time resident, his voice tends to get louder.
The Secretary: Similar to the parrot, she is this voice in your head that, rather than saying self doubts, it reminds you of timelines and tries to plan and prepare for any and all possible outcomes. And I mean ALL outcomes. “What if” becomes a repeated phrase. You feel the need to have a plan of sorts prepared for each “what if,” no matter how far fetched. The secretary can appear helpful and good natured. The intent is to feel a sense of control in a situation where you have none. However, once you realize that having a plan A, B… X, Y, Z has no impact on the outcomes, the alerts become a nuisance. “Ding! Your period should start any day now.” “Beep! Another birthday has passed.” “Buzz! If the nurse calls and says my estrogen level is high, I can do this, or if it is low I can do that. I better make sure I have a full time line of events for either outcome.” Unfortunately the secretary doesn’t have a “snooze button.” When a date or time pops up in her calendar, it requires your immediate attention.
The Itchy Sweater: You feel it uncomfortably snug around your body. You try to tug at it to loosen its grip, but it moves right back to that tight hold around your neck. The itchiness makes your squirm and the warmth feels like more of a fever than a comfort. You feel like you want to get out of your own body. Going for a walk or using some sort of fidget can attempt to keep you from crawling out of your skin, but you can only distract yourself so much. The feeling is there and VERY present. It pulls all of your focus to your discomfort, but you’re not sure how to calm it.
The Storm Cloud: It hovers over you and fogs everything in your path. It makes it hard to see the light. Even happy things are perceived through a fictional lens making good things, or at least neutral things, feel sinister. It becomes harder to tell the difference between truth and lies, and those lies sink into your mind like a leech. While the storm cloud can easily be confused with depression, this “low” has a way of somehow pulling you down deeper, causing a spiral effect. You have to try to nip that spiral in the bud before it becomes a full blown black hole.
The Tornado: Once in a while, anxiety takes the worst form of all- the tornado. You don’t know which way is up. You can’t breathe. You lose your surroundings. Your 5 senses almost completely turn off, choosing select stimuli to be briefly noticed. All that is felt is pure fear. It feels like the only way out of that sensation is death. Whether the tornado lasts 30 seconds or 10+ minutes, the damage is done. Recovery takes a lot of time and effort.
So how do you prepare for anxiety? You don’t know which form will arrive and when. Will today just be the House Fly or Parrot, or will I be slammed with a Storm Cloud? Anxiety is a full time job. It is SO much more than being a “worry wart.” Coping with anxiety takes time and skill. The best advice I can give is to seek help from professionals if you ever have these visitors at your door. I wouldn't have my current and ever evolving “bag of tools” without the support of my therapist, doctors, and family. Anxiety doesn’t have to be a solitary battle.
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