National Infertility Awareness Week 2025

Each year since joining this “club,” I have taken the time to write about the impact infertility has had on my life in an effort to spread awareness and help people to better understand the intricacies of this complicated struggle. This year is very different though as we welcomed our double rainbow baby into this world on April 19th, the day before NIAW began. Even though I am running on basically no sleep and am listening to my daughter coo as she sucks her hand in the bassinet next to me, I feel it more important now than ever to share my yearly insight.

Many people assume that once someone finally gets pregnant or has a healthy baby, that the past stays in the past and the affected person can move forward in life baggage free. I can say with 100% certainty that this is not true in any way, shape, or form. While my pregnancy was filled with countless moments of pure joy and gratitude, it was also filled with endless fear and mixed emotions. At some point each and every day of the approximately 250 days of my pregnancy, the fear of losing her made itself known. Some days were “minor” where the thought just came as I checked toilet paper for blood again or tried to remember the last time she kicked out of paranoia. Other days were debilitating. The amount of tears shed and prayers repeated cannot be quantified. Anxiety attacks and complete mental breakdowns were not unusual. Nothing can convince a pregnant mother that has experienced infertility and loss that everything is fine.

Sonograms were great check points that provided temporary assurance and relief. I remember telling myself, “Ok, only 12 days until the next scan when we get to see our baby.” “Alright, just 11 more days…” If I could just make it to that appointment, I’d be good and a benchmark would be reached. Thinking about the end goal was not within my realm of capability. The first two trimesters were tough as appointments were much further apart. Between appointments, we did use an at home Doppler to hear the heartbeat once she was big enough. Pros and cons to this! Pro: I could hear the heart, feel relieved instantly, and do it anytime I wanted or needed. Con: Finding the heartbeat, especially early on, is hard because they are so small. When you can’t find it or it takes minutes to do so, more panic arises rather than relief.

The first weeks of pregnancy were filled with lots of tests and continued monitoring at the fertility clinic to help sustain the pregnancy even though our girl was miraculously conceived naturally between treatment cycles. Seeing test results trend positively and taking multiple medications/ injections to help the pregnancy continue should have been viewed as all good signs. For me, I was just constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. After all, that is what has ALWAYS happened. Any glimmer of hope or good news was always squashed by the inevitable bad. Why would I expect this pattern to change? Losing hope that you have been holding on to so tightly is almost just as heart shattering as the loss in and of itself.

Nonetheless, you keep going. Hope ebbs and flows. Excitement makes brief appearances as you hit milestones and you try to embrace the joy at getting closer to reaching your dream. Guilt plays a factor here as well. When you don’t feel positively about the pregnancy, you feel like a horrible mother. When you complain about pregnancy symptoms, you feel guilty because who are you to complain about any component of pregnancy when you have spent years trying to achieve it. While I always knew I shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed for having these mixed emotions due to our traumatic journey, I still did. I felt like I needed to protect myself as much as possible. For example, I didn’t fill out the pregnancy journal I was gifted. I knew that if I started filling it out and then had to stop part of the way through due to a loss, it’d kill me. I delayed shopping for fabric for a quilt my mother in law wanted to make because having yards of unused fabric, yet visions of this blanket that might never be was too challenging. I left tags on everything that we purchased or were gifted because that at least provided an option of returning things should it all go south. Even something like choosing a name was difficult which is why we waited until she was more than 12 hours old to finally choose. Basically, I needed to have some sort of escape route or option to pull the rip cord.

So far all of these things are about when things are going well. What happens when things aren’t going smoothly? A scan with slightly out of range numbers or lab work that shows data in abnormal ranges was enough to ignite the fear and set anxiety free to rule. I was very fortunate to have a healthy pregnancy that resulted in a healthy baby, but there were glitches along the way. Gestational diabetes led me to fear that if I ate something wrong, I was going to kill my daughter. Being diagnosed with a thyroid issue and starting medicine made me worry about how it’d affect the baby. Having very out of range lab work levels regarding my liver and kidneys caused great panic, especially since the “wait and see” approach was used for weeks. Being so close to the finish line made each little blip that much harder.

Pregnancy aside, the birth of our miracle has enriched our lives beyond measure. Every mother feels her child is special and such a blessing, but for a mom with a journey like mine, I truly think these babies are somehow more loved. I found that the day we brought her home was truly a full picture moment. April 21st of 2022 was the due date for our first baby that we never got to greet. Now 3 years later, it was the day we brought our baby girl home. I don’t think this was a coincidence, but rather fate. My angel babies are always with me and now my daughter. I wish so much that they were here on Earth too. I’ll never understand why God chose this path for me and why I won’t get to meet my first two babies until I also meet Him. Getting to bring my miracle home on a day connected to them was truly a full circle moment.

Infertility will always be a part of me and my story. I wish that my journey to motherhood had been easier, but I am so grateful and blessed that our story has unfolded this way and brought us our girl. So during NIAW, I ask that you keep these lasting impacts in mind. One in six couples struggle with infertility. Think about how many people you know that have been impacted by infertility even if they keep their journey private. Have empathy for others. That is always the right answer and a great way to demonstrate awareness.