The Shadow of Waiting

Waiting is a complicated thing. The moments "before" can be filled with the strongest feelings. I think of Christmas Eve as a child. I would be so excited and giddy as we drove home from church looking for Rudolph's nose or as we set out cookies for Santa after opening up one gift. I'd lay in bed thinking about all the amazing gifts that I might get the next day if I made the nice list. The wonder of possibilities was a pleasant way to be lulled to sleep.

Waiting has an ugly side too. Like the moments before a big test when you think of all the ways you could have studied harder. When I am waiting for less desirable things, the wonder takes a different form. Rather than lull me to bed, it keeps me up. I go through all the possibilities and ways things could go wrong. Waiting to start IVF has been like trying to prepare for a battle with a dragon. The only catch is, I have no idea how that dragon looks. I don't know if it will breathe fire and burn me and my spirits. I don't know if I will be able to keep my shield held high and not fatigue. As the wait lengthens, my imagination makes it the mightiest beast of all time.

After my second baseline appointment on July 14th, I was told that the cysts grew and we're producing more estrogen. This is the opposite of what we wanted. The nurse instructed me to stop birth control pills and to do the a half dose of the trigger shot (Michael giving me my first shot in the ass is a whole other story). This is in an effort to make my body think it is ovulating and get rid of the cysts and reset. After getting off the phone, I sobbed. It took all I had not to chuck my pen, notepad, phone, whatever was around me across the room. I felt as though this was just another set back and a way my body was doing something wrong. Failing.

All the "what ifs" began creeping in. Would this cyst still get worse to the point of aspiration surgery? Would all this delay IVF to the point where I have to do it during the school year? Is this a sign that my body isn't capable? The shadow of the dragon alone felt enough to defeat me.

I just want to be able to start, whatever that may bring. I feel like the beast you know is easier to battle. I want my imagination to be confronted with reality. At least that way, even if only for a short period of time, I know what to expect. I'll have a time line and everything won't be up in the air. That on its own will bring some peace and maybe some strength too. I know the war with my dragon won't be over, but perhaps we can start the first battle very soon.