I like to think I am a pretty patient person. I have been a teacher for 9+ years and have had class sizes up to 30. It is a mandatory personality trait in education. You'll get the, "Mrs. Damskey, Mrs. Damskey, Mrs. Damskey... He is looking at me!"or you will have spent 5-10 minutes explaining an assignment and walking through all the steps and materials only to have a kid say, "Wait, what are we doing? Is this science or math?" You want to blow your top, but instead, you take a deep breath and speak with them calmly and privately. Don't even get me started on schedules, curriculum, and parents! Basically, you have to exhibit some sort of calm and control 99% of the time to make the day run smoothly.
At home, I am able to be pretty patient too. I love my husband, but like many, he can be a big kid himself! I will patiently ask him to hang his towel up or lock the car door for the 17th time that week and only call him an "idiot" or "doofus" every 5th time or so. My dog is a blessing too. Finn is the only dog I've ever met that will haul ass up to bed for "snuggies" when it is night-night time. He can be stubborn though. When I call him to come in from the back yard, he will stare at me right in the face for 5 seconds then proceed to turn his back to me and keep playing around. So all in all, I am patient 90% of the time with my boys (not the 99% like at school 😆).
HOWEVER, I struggle to have patience with my infertility journey. I GET IT! I am not in control of this journey in any way, shape, or form. Other than take the medication as prescribed and following the doctor's orders, I am at the mercy of my body. That is a really hard feeling to sit with. I like control and order. It is probably one of my biggest strengths as a teacher and also as a wife (my in-laws didn't nickname me "The Warden" for nothing!). But this journey can't be planned or mapped out. You can certainly try, but it is a pointless task.
Despite knowing that I am not in control, I have tried to orchestrate it anyway this summer. Knowing that getting an appointment to make my IVF plan would take a few weeks, I scheduled it while I was still doing my second round of IUI. I met with the doctor my first week of summer break so I didn't have to worry about sub plans or taking more time off. Ideally, this should work out that I can fit in an IVF cycle before even having to go back to work in mid August. It was the perfect plan, right?!
As I shared in a different post, getting the insurance approval took 25 days. I was expecting 1 week or maybe 2, but this ate up the entire month of June as well as the first week of July. I tried to tell myself that this was actually better. It meant that during the first dance camp I was teaching that I wouldn't be on any meds so I would be able to function at 100%. Also, I wouldn't have to schedule my egg retrieval (ER) during the second camp which would potentially prevent me from making money that I need. I could deal with that, even accept it. It all works out for the best, right?
WRONG! I went in on July 11th for my baseline appointment where they do bloodwork and an ultrasound to make sure everything is good to go so you can start you medications referred to as "stims" (ovarian stimulation causing follicles/eggs to grow). I go in and get my ultrasound and they see multiple cysts. I've had cysts many times before and it has never been a big deal or caused problems with treatment. I didn't think anything of it until they said, "it is probably because you ovulated recently and aren't taking birth control." I replied that I was and all she said was, "Hmm." That is always a reassuring noise from a nurse or doctor.
My nurse called me that afternoon with the news that I can't start stims tonight. My bloodwork showed increased levels of estrogen likely caused by the cysts. They wanted my levels to be below 50, but I was at 107. The nurse said that the only thing to help is birth control which I'm already taking so there is nothing I can do but wait. My favorite! I wish there was some sort of exercise, special food, or magic pill I could take to get the cysts to go away, but there isn't. Instead, I will come in again and redo the baseline tests in 4 days. What happens if the cysts are smaller or gone and my estrogen is <50? I can start and am only 4 days behind the original schedule which isn't a big deal. However, if the cysts are the same or bigger and my estrogen level have stayed the same or increased, I will be delayed further. It could be delayed just another few days or even a few weeks.
If it gets delayed a few weeks, my ER surgery could now be during back to school time. I was really hoping to avoid that for so many reasons. Those first days back are crucial. I want to be able to focus on getting acclimated with the new curriculum and getting acquainted with my new 3rd graders in the way they deserve. I've missed days at the beginning of the school year before. When I had my first miscarriage, I missed 2 days during the first 8 days of the year. Though I was physically there the other days, my head was not in the game 100%. I don't want to be in that position again. I don't want to be recovering from surgery or anxiously waiting to see if we got any viable embryos while I am greeting my new class. I can't control this though. As much as I want a certain time line to become reality, I am not the one that gets to choose. I have to trust my body and God and that is much easier some days than others. Whatever His plan is, I just have to have faith that it will work out in the end. My vision of "work out" might just not be the same. All I can do is hope.
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