The Fault in Our Eggs

The past 2 months have been wonderful. I've been able to "play hookie" from our fertility troubles while we waited for an appointment. In this waiting period, I had some hope about what would come next.

Our last egg retrieval in November yielded 2 embryos like last time. One was aneuploidy again (genetically abnormal) and the other is what is called "mosaic," meaning a percentage of it IS normal, but a percentage of it is also abnormal. It wasn't quite the results I was hoping for. It meant that the 2 abnormal embryos from the second cycle weren't a fluke. There really is something wrong.

Through research, I discovered that there was a test we hadn't done yet. So we had Michael's sperm tested specifically for "DNA fragmentation." The results showed that he had elevated levels and we would need to talk to a urologist before proceeding and the appointment was over a month away.

In that month, I felt a bit of pressure lift off my shoulders. If something was wrong with Michael's sperm, that could be fixed a LOT more easily than my eggs. Most treatments are non invasive and fix things in just a few months. Maybe this could be the solution to our problems and we could finally get healthy embryos!

We met with the urologist this week and he explained what DNA frag is and how it affects fertility. Based on our extensive history with tests and treatment cycles, the conclusion was basically: "the sperm is not the problem." We are able to MAKE embryos. If we weren't doing that, then the DNA frag would likely be the problem. We can make them though, it's just unfortunately they are not "euploid" or genetiacally normal and therefore, viable.

So basically what I heard was, "It is your fault, Renee." I am the one who is holding us back from bringing life into this world. For just those few weeks, I thought we both played a role in our troubles and, selfishly, that made it all easier to face. Don't get me wrong, I do NOT want something to be wrong with my husband. I am glad he is fine. However, his problem would have been fixable. Mine isn't.

My husband tells me constantly that I shouldn't feel guilty as none of this is my fault. While I know this is true, how do you convince that voice in the back of your head that says otherwise? That voice adds such a burden to an already difficult journey. It makes me hate myself. It brings sleepless nights and endless tears. It's my body's fault. My eggs are poor in both quality and quantity. Other than a supplement or 2 that might have an impact, the only course of action is to keep trying and hope that eventually we will get a good embryo.

How many times do I keep trying though? Until our money runs out? Until all that is left is a shell of myself? I don't know if we will ever get the end result we pray for. Will I know when it's time to wave the white flag and surrender to this horrible fate? I am scared to try and fail over and over. I'm scared to give up and lose even that small possibility that it will work. It just feels like a lose-lose situation and it really sucks when it's your life's dream at stake.