Stop and Watch the Fireflies

One of my favorite parts of the summertime are fireflies. I love how, just as the sun is setting, they gently rise up from the grass. They have long blinks and rise up like slow motion fireworks. They do this for 15 or so minutes before they make it to the next stage of the evening's show: exploration. This is when they fill my yard and go high, low, and all around. They zig zag and you stare into blank spaces waiting for them to reappear like a game of hide and seek. Finally, once the sun is completely down, the fireflies reside in the treetops creating twinkling fairy lights. Their flashes are much shorter now, but also more frequent.

I have noticed these intricacies of the lightening bug because I have spent 2 summers now watching them almost every night. It is something that has become almost meditative for me and I cherish the few months this gift is available.

This summer habit began in 2022 after losing our second pregnancy. My mind and body went numb and I found myself just sitting alone around the house. I didn't have the energy to put in the effort to do much else. One night, I noticed that the fireflies were out so I decided to sit outside and be "numb" there. I am so glad I pushed myself that day to walk those few extra steps. It gave me something to start to look forward to each day and if you've ever been at what feels like rock bottom, you know you really need that.

When I am sitting in my backyard and watching the light show, I feel like I am able to feel or think anything and it is accepted. I often get very angry with myself about feeling certain ways or experiencing negative thoughts, but during firefly time, it's ok. It becomes my safe space.

During this time, my mind will wander many different paths. It depends on what my brain and heart decide I need at that moment. Sometimes I just take those few moments as a time of peace. I sit and simply BE in the now. It's that idea of taking time to "stop and smell the roses." Well I say, stop and watch the fireflies! It provides me with a sense of calm that I just can't find anywhere else. It is like a 30 minute vacation from reality. The only things that exists in that moment are the lightening bugs, chirping crickets, peeking moon, and me.

Other days, this time brings out strong emotions. As I'll watch the lights dance upwards, I find that mask I was wearing all day finally slid off and I am able to release my pent up feelings. Frustration, anger, sadness, guilt, anything and everything. I feel safe in allowing myself to cry. No one is there to ask if I'm ok, try to fix things, or judge. It's my time. Sometimes the tears in my eyes make the small flashes of light even more beautiful.

Some nights I feel a totally different connection. I'll lean back in the rocking chair and be able to feel the spirits or essence of my angels. It is hard to explain, but I can feel like they are there with me. Maybe they can see fireflies from heaven. Regardless, it feels like I am spending time with them and experiencing something magical. I very much enjoyed running and catching lightening bugs when I was young. It is a vivid memory from my childhood. While I will never be able to do the same with Poppy and Hawthorn, I can at least have this experience.

I know my time getting to watch fireflies will end in a matter of weeks and I'll have to wait 10 months to have this sense of peace again. While I feel sad about that, it also makes each evening that much more precious. I so often think of the future and wish I could fast forward to a different and hopefully more happy time. However, I can also find happiness and cherish these small moments today. For now, that is what I'll choose.