Starting Stims

I feel like a chemist! I can mix and measure vials of medications like a pro now. The first night of "stims" on July 30th (the ovarian stimulation portion of IVF) was nerve wracking, yet exciting. After so many delays, I was so glad that I could finally start! However, it meant I was starting. It was time to find out what it was like and I is so with a brave face and my pineapple pajamas! The medication part was kind of cool though. Using syringes and different liquids and powders to make the right concoction was interesting. I struggled the first night because it was so new yet also high stakes. I had a hard time getting every last drop out which I needed for a proper dose, but it has gotten easier. The injections themselves weren't too painful and the needles were small. I feel like any shot is easy compared to the burning of lovenox. Just a few tiny bruises and using my new IVF bandaids haven't been bad at all.

Symptom wise, the worst I experienced was headaches and some very minor discomfort in the ovary area. I was hopeful that I'd be one of those lucky few where stims doesn't make them feel like total crap. Well, I don't think I can call my self lucky after my first monitoring appointment. I went in on day 4 for bloodwork and ultrasound. I only had one measurable follicle at about 12mm. There were 3 others that were all too small to measure. It isn't ideal, but it's still early and things can change so the doctor decided to up my dose of gonal f medication.

This is what caused me to feel like crap. I got a horrible headache within the first half hour of taking the medications and the next 18 hours were filled with just feeling "off." I told my husband that I didn't know if I was going to cry, sleep, or run laps around the yard. I just felt uncomfortable in my body and sick at the same time. It thankfully got better and when I did my dose again the next night, the effects were not as intense.

Now it's day 6 and I went in for monitoring again. The one large follicle is now 16mm and I have 4 now that are still too small to measure. Because of this, the doctor is adding the "antagonist" shot that will prevent ovulation, but also increasing both my other medications (gonal f and menopur). It is normal for follicles to be different sizes, but not like this. When the nurse called, she said we might end up ignoring the big follicle and focus on the other 4 (and also keep fingers crossed that another one or two are hiding). This gives me mixed emotions.

The educational videos the clinic sends said that the average number of follicles/eggs a woman gets during this part of IVF is 8-20. In my consultation, I was old that he expected my body to be more in the range of 8-12. I feel a little defeated that I am not even close to 8, let alone more. This decreases our chances a lot. I know it only takes one egg, but some back ups would be nice too. It's hard when I see in my online support groups women posting how they had like 30 eggs retrieved. Some even have more than that! Here I am with maybe 5. It's discouraging, but I know everyone is different.

The other emotion present now is fear. Fear of the follicles not doing what they are supposed to do and fear of what these new doses/medications will do to me. I don't want this to be all for nothing. I will be devistated if the retrieval gets cancelled because there aren't enough follicles to make it "worth it." I so wanted all of this to be done this summer and, wishful thinking, never to have to do it again. I am also scared of feeling awful from the meds. The one dose change made me feel so off and like I was trapped in a fog. The pressure headaches have been difficult too. What will happen now? It is hard to willingly put yourself through these things, yet I know it's my only chance at having a baby so I do it without a second thought. I am only half way through, if that, of stims. A lot can happen in just a few days. I'm praying for things to go in a more positive direction and maybe provide me with a little hope.