Small Wins

I have such mixed emotions about celebrating any bit of positivity that occurs in this journey. Part of me feels like none of the "milestones" are worthy of being excited or hopeful about because it can all go south at a moments notice. There are so many steps that need to be met before I bring my baby home, so part of me is trying to protect itself. If I don't feel joy at good news, I don't have as far to fall when the bad news comes, right? I tried really hard to celebrate the small wins that occurred during my second stims cycle (stimulating ovaries to make eggs).

This cycle started off better than the first. While I had a few cysts again, there were not producing estrogen so I was cleared to start. With having only one follicle and one egg last time, my expectations were low. By the grace of God, my numbers were much better! The new mix of medications helped me grow 11 follicles! Some were suspected to be cysts and a couple were too small, but there were still more chances for success.

Of the 11 follicles, the doctor retrieved 6 eggs! My initial response was slight disappointment because I wanted more, but after some time passed, and perhaps the anesthesia wore off a bit more, I felt some hope. I tried to be happy and take the win. However the next day, the embryologist called and said only 2 eggs properly fertilized. That seemed like a huge drop! Last time we only had one embryo and it didn't survive. Now we had just one more than the previous time, so the odds of success seemed not a whole lot better. My husband, family, and friends were all happy. They said, "2 is better than 1!" I tried to receive and internalize that viewpoint. Part of me let it. That other part was still cautious.

The next few days were filled with a lot of anxiety and tears. My husband did what he could to make his positivity contagious and I did what I could to at least pretend that I felt somewhat positive too. On the 5th day after the retrieval, the nurse called with an update about our embryos. She shared that the two embryos reached the "blast" stage and have been biopsied and frozen. I immediately broke into tears. We were 2 for 2!!! I was not expecting that news at all. I ran to tell Michael and he panicked because all he saw was his wife sobbing. I had to give him a thumbs up amongst the tears to try to communicate to him the good news. Naturally, he made a snide comment about how "he told me so" and I was so happy that I resisted punching him.

This might not be the "final big win" of bringing our baby home, but it is a big step on our way there. We still need to wait about 2 weeks for the genetic results. After that, assuming at least one embryo will be genetically normal, we approach the whole transfer process and, hopefully, 8 to 9 months of pregnancy. Yes, there is a LONG way to go, but this small win at least gives us a chance at getting there.