A common theme in my life right now is struggling to maintain hope. I've tried different things to help keep my hopes up, but it is easier said than done. I have tried positive affirmations I'll keep that option in my tool belt, but it isn't enough. I have hung hope decorations around my home too. I have a wooden sign in the living room and a cross in my bedroom for visual reminders. Again, they can be a good gentle reminder, but it isn't the solution. While there unfortunately isn't a quick fix to this, I did come up with an idea that would provide me with some tangible comfort.
I had my 5th baseline appointment in the hopes of finally getting to start IVF. The previous 4 resulted in delays due to cysts and hormone levels. This 5th appointment was out of town because my usual clinic is closed on the weekends. I decided to take this opportunity to visit a big mall that is near this other clinic. This large mall has one of my favorite childhood stores: Build a Bear.
I had the idea to make a "Hope" bear. The thought for this bear is that its name will be Hope. We will hold on to "Hope," during good times and bad, until we can give the hope bear to our baby. It could serve as a source of comfort as well as a reminder to keep hope alive and push through for our future child.
Michael and I selected a fuzzy tan bear that was simple and cuddly. We filled it with fluff and put the little silk heart inside with the dream of getting to hear our own baby's heartbeat one day soon. Choosing clothes was a little trickier. Michael grabbed the Capitols hockey jersey where as I liked the tutus and dresses. Clearly we have wishes for our future child! We agreed to find more gender neutral clothes and found a simple shirt that said "Hugs." I plan to hug this bear until I can hug my son or daughter.
While a teddy bear may seem kind of silly for a pair of adults to put emotions into, I'm fine with that. The thought of getting to one day gift this special stuffed animal to our baby and, as they grow, tell them this story of how we hoped and prayed for them for the longest time, I think that is really special. While it's my wish that I can gift the bear sooner rather than later, I will hold on to "Hope" in the meantime.
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