Dysfunctional

The waiting this week has been a real struggle. I wrote before how I was initially supposed to start IVF on July 11th (actually July 3rd but insurance delayed that), however estrogen producing cysts prevented me from starting. I was told to call when my period started so I could come back in for bloodwork and ultrasound in the hopes of finally getting to start.

Miraculously, my period began 3 days later on July 17th. I was so relieved as this only put us a week off of schedule which still leaves us time to fit it all in before returning to work in mid August. The size of the cysts were down and my lining was perfectly thin and looking good. Phew! The "miracle" was short lived though. I went in on the 18th for the baseline appointment and was told yet again, I can't start. The HCG trigger shot from the 14th was still in my system. You can't start a new cycle if you have a pregnancy hormone in your body. It won't work correctly. The nurse said the level was low though so if we retested at the end of the week, all should be well.

Well, all wasn't well. My bloodwork was showing heightened progesterone- a different hormone. A different nurse called me to tell me this and said that this hormone indicates that I should start my period in a week or so. I was confused and told her that I had already started my period and was in fact still spotting from it. She then said, "No, that wasn't a real period. It must be dysfunctional bleeding." Oh, dysfunctional... of course! The cramps, maxi pads, tender breasts... that was just my body not functioning properly. Ugh!

This news brought on yet another night of tears and frustration. My body can't even get its shit together enough to start this medical treatment that will give me a chance at carrying a child. If it can't cooperate now, will it do what it is expected to during IVF? Maybe my body will just dysfunction then too. I want so badly to be positive an hopeful about this journey, but it seems impossible. My body has done nothing but fail in terms of fertility so who is to say that IVF will be the answer. Statistics may be in our favor, but nothing is guaranteed. I wish so much that my body would cooperate and follow the desired path, not stray off onto "Dysfunction Junction" at every turn.