April 2022- End of Cycle 1

Waiting is hard. Am I waiting for good news or bad? My symptoms are promising... but they are also side effects of the medications. It is really confusing and a total mind game. I don't want to hope and then get let down, you know? All I can really do is wait. I can think through plan A and then B depending on the results, but the plans are simply fictitious because this is all void of any ability to plan.

The dreaded Two Week Wait (TWW) is torture! I have lower back pains, nausea, increased urination, breast tenderness, and just overall yuckiness. My hope ebbs and flows. There are moments of excitement and positivity and all of a sudden the negativity creeps up and tells you this is all for nothing. I will say that the end of the TWW is difficult as well. those few hours after your blood test when you wait for the nurse to call with results. My emotions are like a ping pong ball switching from hope to fear every few seconds. Do I want it to be positive and have a healthy pregnancy? OF COURSE! Since I am already spotting, I am also hoping it is negative so I don't have to experience another loss. Is all of this made harder because yesterday was my due date? Abso-freaking-lutely! I should be cradling our little one in my arms. We should be panicking about sleep deprivation and keeping a tiny human alive. Instead, I'm wondering if a tiny egg is dying inside me again. It is just cruel to have these things happen at the same time.

Well... it is negative. I am at peace with it for now. I think avoiding the fear of miscarriage is a silver lining at the moment. I am hoping that a new cycle with added medications to help with the bleeding will do the trick.