The Nemo PJs

Before giving birth to my double rainbow miracle baby, I wondered how I would feel about my first two babies that I never got to meet. Would my sadness erase? Of course not. Would it grow? It’s hard to say whether the size has changed, but I certainly have.

Today marks 4 years since losing our first baby, Poppy. Again, I’ll never know if she really was a girl, but in my mind and heart, she is my daughter. Just days prior to that loss, I remember being so excited about being pregnant and finally getting to buy baby stuff for myself! I ordered a Finding Nemo onsie and it was delivered the same day we got the worst news possible. I left it in the plastic and threw it in the top of our guest room closet. Looking at it made me feel so angry and beyond devistated. It was a reminder that I didn’t have a baby to put inside it. While it may have been out of site for years, I knew it was there, almost like a monster hiding in the closet. I thought about giving the pajamas away so many times, but I never did.

When I got further along in my third pregnancy with our miracle, I decided to take it out. I washed it with her other clothes that we were preparing and put them in her dresser. While she has been in this particular size for about two months now, I hadn’t put her in the Nemo outfit yet. I am not sure why I was hesitant. Maybe I felt like the PJs were reserved for Poppy? Maybe it was a negative connotation associated with bad memories? I decided today to have her finally put it on. Knowing that today marks 4 years since our loss, but also 4 months since our girl’s birth, it felt right.

Seeing my smiling baby in that orange suit with the little fish hat and fins made my heart swim! What a full circle moment. I thank God every day for my little girl. True to the movie, I am so grateful that I “just kept swimming.” I wanted to give up on my journey to parenthood so many times over the years. The continual heartache and constant blows were torrential. Something pushed me to keep going though and I am so glad. I know that Poppy, and Hawthorn too, were so happy to see their little sister finally get to wear the outfit I’d been saving for so long. It was absolutely worth the wait. I will cherish this memory and photo forever.