Very Reassuring

8/29:

The nurse’s words today were, “very reassuring!” My hcg level went to 93! The numbers more than tripled! I’ve never even had numbers double before. Rather than come in for a repeat blood test in 2 days, they want me to wait 4. I think that is a good sign. Additionally, they started me on medications: progesterone and lovenox.

I am in total disbelief. It doesn’t seem real right now, despite the nausea and other symptoms. For so long, living a life of infertility felt like I was living a life that wasn’t mine. It feels the same way now though. It is bizarre to know what is true, but to doubt or deny it at the same time. It’s like a way of preventing myself from getting truly excited so I don’t set myself up for a bigger crash if it all goes south.

I want to find a way to remind myself that it is just one day at a time. I want to have a notepad or something where I put tallies or something at the end of each day “survived.” Tally marks make me think of prison cells though, so I want to come up with something that has less of a negative connotation.

9/1:

We have officially made it 7 days! I have known about my pregnancy for a whole week and all is well. There has been absolutely zero bleeding which I am so grateful for. The fear is still there each time I go to the bathroom, but each time I see the blood free toilet paper, I breathe the biggest sigh of relief. The paranoia has dissipated a bit the last few days though because I advocated for myself again. I initially was taking progesterone suppositories, but not all of the capsule and its contents stay “up there.” Gravity causes it to leek out and the physical sensation felt the same as blood would. Each little feeling of wetness caused my heart to race and I had to go to the restroom to check. Since I had ordered the progesterone in oil (PIO) shots for what would have been a mock embryo transfer, I asked if I could use the injections instead to help reduce my anxiety. My doctor said that was completely fine. Now I’m only going to the bathroom frequently because these hormones are making me pee a lot! That mixed with other symptoms like morning sickness (mine so far lasts most of the day, with its favorite time being between 2 and 4am the past couple days) have me feeling a bit of hope. I feel crappy, but I am so happy and grateful to experience it all.

I’m still trying not to get too excited, but I’m feeling positive “ish” right now. This time just feels different. The fact that I have not even so much as spotted is reassuring. The continuation of symptoms is too. I told myself not to, but I did order ONE baby item. It’s gender neutural and absolutely adorable! Little “Dobby” rattle socks! I’m going to have to try not to test drive them on the dogs!

With the positive vibes, I’ve been thinking about all that this pregnancy has allowed us to gain. When doing IVF, family and friends knew when appointments were and any type of “surprise factor” was eliminated. With this surprise miracle… we get a bit of the “normal pregnancy” experience. We are going to get to surprise our family! I always dreamed of getting to tell my parents and grandparents the joyous news and see them cry tears of joy. I’m trying to think of when and how to do it. I don’t want to wait too long, but I don’t want it to be too early either. My current thought is once we have a sonogram that shows a healthy baby and a picture to prove it. I’m not sure if the sonographer will be able to print multiple copies, but I’m going to ask. At that point, I’d like to have dinner with my parents and share the news. Michael’s mom is in Florida right now, so we might need to coordinate with his aunt to be there too so we can do a video call on one phone and text the sonogram photo on the other phone. As for the rest of my family, my birthday is at the end of September. I think that might be a good time. We usually get together for lunch or dinner and have cake. Still being pregnant would be the best birthday gift I could ever get, but seeing their faces and sharing our joy would be a close second.

We have a LONG way to go, but we have made it 7 days. I ended up coming up with the perfect way to celebrate and mark the passing of each day. Rather than tallies, I am making rainbows. A week has 7 days and a rainbow has 7 colored arches. Each evening at bedtime, I have added another arch with today completing the first rainbow. As the weeks and months pass, I’ll be reminded of how far we have made it. Each and every day is an accomplishment. Each rainbow bring us one step closer to meeting our own miracle rainbow baby. Here is to drawing 35-36 more rainbows!