In the Grips of Anxiety

Anxiety is such a sneaky bastard. I was riddled with it the first half of the pregnancy. It was debilitating at times, especially in the very beginning. Just when I think I am “past it” or that I have nothing to worry about, that little gremlin sneaks back into my brain and plants its roots.

Pregnancy is hard. Pregnancy after losses and infertility is way hard. Pregnancy that has high risks involved is beyond hard. I’m not going to lie, the gestational diabetes diagnosis rocked me. It was partially because of food restrictions, but mostly because of complications that could hurt my girl. Now, I’ve had some bad bloodwork that shows possible liver issues which can also cause pregnancy/birth complications. Naturally I got the results from LabCorp Friday night in an email and couldn’t talk to the doctor until Monday. I swear that Google was invented by Anxiety herself! While answers can provide “comfort,” they can also open up a gaping rabbit hole that sucks you down and doesn’t release you.

When the doctor called around lunch on Monday and suggested I come in Monday and not at our scheduled appointment on Tuesday, I got scared. It didn’t help that I had another still birth dream the night before. I am doing everything right! I am rocking the diabetic diet and doing really well with controlling my numbers. I take shots everyday to protect my daughter from a blood clotting issue. I am doing all I can and yet these issues keep popping up. I feel like she isn’t safe inside me and I can’t trust my body. Like she won’t be safe until she is out in the world.

So we go to the doctor early and her scan is great. She still has a VERY large belly and is already measuring 6lbs 4oz at 34 weeks and 3 days! It is NOT a comfort when all the nurses and staff comment on how big your baby will be. Her whole body isn’t big, just the tummy. You would think it is the GD, but they don’t because I’m controlling it so well. Anxiety grabs my hand and drags me down the lane of all possible problems.

Ultimately, the doctors are a bit puzzled. What’s new?! The blood work shows VERY high alkaline phosphatase levels as well as AST and ALT which indicate liver problems, but I don’t have itchiness or high blood pressure. I have very low blood pressure actually. The only symptom I have that aligns with liver issues is headaches not fixed with Tylenol. So they decide to repeat the blood work and see what it says. In the long run, waiting a day or two for results isn’t awful, but that gives Anxiety time to work her magic and drive me mad. I tried not to Google, but I just need answers.

Something that kept popping up was cholestasis or “ICP.” Yes, typically it is presented with itchiness. However it is also linked to gestational diabetes. It could be a coincidence, but it also could be logical. It also can be asymptomatic, though not usually, but if I have learned anything about myself and the medical world, I am never a cookie cutter case. Why would now be any different? ICP does come with its own set of complications and early induction is often required. While I don’t want our girl to be too early and unhealthy, I also just want her HERE. Early, within reason, might not be the worst, especially since they are all saying she will have a high birth weight.

I am at the mercy of God, the doctors, lab tests, and this little miracle inside of me. Not having control is very difficult when you just want to make sure everything is ok. Anxiety is grasping for the steering wheel and irradically jerking it left and right to try and feel in charge. I just need to wait 18-36 hours. I need to remain semi calm between Google searches and spurts of tears. I can do it for her.

Update:

We redid the labs and some of the levels went down, one even in normal range which is promising. Another went much higher which was odd. Nothing conclusive still. We added an additional lab to check bile acids. It takes about a week to come in though so hopefully by my next appointment we will have some more information. In the meantime, I’ve settled a bit and shoved Anxiety to, not quite the back row, but perhaps 3/4 of the way back. One day at a time!