Mother's Day Blues

While this holiday can be sweet and special for many families, it can also be one of the hardest days. This holiday is difficult for people who have lost their mom or who have estranged relationships. For me, this holiday is a reminder that my babies are not here and most people don't recognize me as a mother.

The weeks leading up to this day are filled with anxiety. It is like I am anxious about how I will actually feel on that day and just wishing I could fast forward to May 15. I think the extended timeline is because this time of year has a lot of other dates that have meaning and trauma. April 21st is what could have been Poppy's first birthday. Images of all that could have been flood my mind. I have a hard time even imagining that life because we are so far from it. It is tough and unfair. One of my students that day, of all days, asked me if I had any kids. I said, "no" with a hollow feeling in my chest. What made her ask it that day after having her in my class since August? I couldn't say "yes" and tell her about my angels. It would have been selfish of me.

Mother's Day weekend finally comes and all the emotions arise. Last year, my mom was very understanding and we didn't do anything together that weekend because I just needed to be alone. This year though, I didn't want to be unappreciative to all she has done for me because she doesn't deserve to be looked over. So we went out to lunch and got pedicures. It was nice, but there was a lump in my throat the whole time. Additionally, my friend contacted me because she found out she was having a miscarriage- on Mother's Day weekend. My heart broke for her and I was more than willing to help talk her through it and answer her questions. However, it brought up a lot of trauma for me. It was like PTSD and I felt like I was right back in my moments of loss. I would help my friend or anyone else for that matter again in a heartbeat, but it was not easy.

All in all... Mother's Day sucks (said in a "Rain Man" "K-mart sucks" voice). When you have lost children and/or experience infertility, it is the worst holiday. All you want most in this world is to be a mom to a living and breathing bundle of joy and this calendar date mocks you. It really makes my life feel meaningless. If I can't be a mom, then why am I here? I wish so much I could skip forward a year or so in the future and just be at the point where I have a baby (if that will even happen). I want to skip all the trying and pregnancy stuff and just go right to being the mom I feel I am meant to be.