Faint

Monday 8/26/24

I have had a queasy stomach for a day or so, but stronger today. I was hungrier and thirstier. A smell in the kitchen made me nautilus and a video online of someone eating candy made me gag. Before I bathed tonight, I said, “Screw it. I’ll take a pregnancy test just to shut my brain up.” I’ve done that MANY times before and the stark white test strip against the bright pink control line always eased my racing brain. No harm, no foul. Tonight was different. The line was a faint positive. Not a bold line, but a line nonetheless. If I didn’t feel like I was going to throw up before, I sure as hell did now.

My first thought: When I miscarry, please let it be September. I name my angels after their “birth month” flower, and I already have an August Poppy.

My second thought: How do I walk into the other room and tell my husband. We had a meeting with the fertility doctor LAST WEEK to discuss menopause and surrogacy. This is a “curve ball” to say the least.

My third thought: I am so irresponsible. I had coffee this morning and I maybe have coffee twice a month. I had wine on Friday and I drink alcohol as often as I do coffee. After taking prenatal vitamins daily for over 3 years (well over 1,000 pills), I haven’t taken them religiously the past month because… why bother? Same thing with sex. Why bother using condoms or abstaining when you’ve basically been told you are barren

With all of these things swirling in my head, and what feels like my stomach, I chose to call the fertility clinic’s emergency line. I don’t have any medications that I’m supposed to take when pregnant, but they said waiting a day won’t matter. Is that entirely true?! They said to go and get blood work in the morning. My alarm is set for 5:45 so I will get there right when (or before) they open since I don’t have an appointment and want to be seen before I have to be at school.

I’m scared. A part of me hopes that this pregnancy test was a false positive. That is messed up, right? I have spent 3 and a half years praying for a baby with 2 miscarriages, 7 failed fertility cycles, 4 egg retrieval with mostly abnormal embryos… how could even 0.0001% of me not want this? Pregnancy is scary! Pregnancy after loss is even scarier. Pregnancy after 2 losses and endless heartache? I can’t express the gravity of fear using words. It’s not like I had genetic testing done on this potential embryo. I don’t have that layer of confidence. I haven’t been taking meds for two weeks to ensure my womb is ready. Is this even really happening? Maybe it is all just another cruel game my mind and body are playing on me.