Cycle 3- August 2022

Day 1: Starting another cycle is bringing up all of the emotions. First and foremost is fear. I can't go through another loss. I willing to take the risk because I want a child so badly, but it is still scary. Also, it is August which brings about the anniversary of losing Poppy and what really became a big turning point for us. I am feeling a little better though about this new cycle because we are adding some new components that will hopefully help me have a healthy pregnancy. I started pills to prevent high prolactin levels. Other than some headaches and nausea the first few days, it has not been too bad. I also am taking baby aspirin to reduce the possibility of clotting since I may have APS. The final piece to the puzzle is prednisone and lovenox. This will hopefully help in preventing another miscarriage.

Day 13: This cycle has been nuts so far. First, I am still bleeding which is always fun. Next, the prednisone is causing some adverse effects like increased urination, constipation, and dehydration. It is so bad that my skin looks awful and if I pinch it, it stays in place. The doctors say I need too ween off of it because it isn't safe for me. I hope this doesn't ruin my chances of a healthy pregnancy. Additionally, I have ZERO follicles. We checked on day 11 and today and there are none. So I basically need to redo the letrozole for 5 days but double the dose and come back in about a week to see if anything has changed.

Day 22: I went back to see if there were any follicles on day 20 and there were 6, but they were too small and my lining was way too thin (probably because of my 18 day period). I went back in day 21 and they still weren't quite there. So day 22 was the magic day where lining and follicles were measuring in the right range so we did the trigger shot. I feel super full and bloated, but I'm ready to give this a go!

Day 31: Lovenox is the worst! Why on earth does it have "love" in the name when it should be "loathe!" First of all, the shot burns. The trigger shot is basically a butterfly kiss compared to this. Not only does it burn while you administer it, but it burns for 5+ minutes after. No amount of ice pack can combat it. The most glorious part is the bruising. I look like a purple Dalmatian! Some are just pin prick sized, but others are like a quarter or 50 cent piece! The color is one thing, but the knots are another. Trying to put my pants on to where they down hit a bruise is like playing "Operation" and every time I hit the buzzer. The first few also caused some hot flashes and nausea, but it seems to be getting better.

Day 36: I am having all the symptoms: breast pain, nausea, lower back discomfort... In addition to that, I feel like my wrist is acting like a pregnancy test. That same tendonitis pain from last cycle is back. I hate that my first thought is fear and all the different ways things could go wrong. I want this time to be different. I need it. Those words aren't even strong enough. Third time MUST be the charm. PLEASE!

Day 38: NOPE! NEGATIVE. My 38 day cycle was all for nothing. The mind games are even harder than the physical toll. I was convinced that I was pregnant. All the symptoms were there! It is pretty f**ked up that these medications all have the exact same side effects as pregnancy. It makes you get your hopes up which makes the fall back down all the more intense of a crash. Well... rinse and freaking repeat.