8/27:
“Cautious Optimism.” Those are the exact words my nurse told me this afternoon as she delivered the news of my bloodwork. I am indeed pregnant. Since it was “spontaneous” and not on a tracked fertility cycle, we don’t know exactly how far along I am other than a guess of almost 4 weeks. With that said, the “beta” bloodwork doesn’t mean a whole lot yet. The HCG is 26. Usually this is thought of as a low number, however, because we don’t know exact dates, nothing is certain. The real “test” will be on Thursday, 48 hours after this past blood test. Whether or not the number increases will be more telling. In a viable pregnancy, the number should go up 60% in 48 hours. So I would want to to be atleast in the 40s, if not more. If it is any less than that, odd are this pregnancy will end too.
So “cautious optimism…” I’m not sure how to feel that. A large part of me seems to be disassociating with it all. Yes, I am scared and have an unsettled stomach from a combination of nerves and hormones, but I am also distant. It all isn’t real yet- whether successful or another loss. As of right now, I’m not bleeding! That is at least something! Nausea is still present… sorta a good thing.
My fertility doctor doesn’t want to start any of my medications until the next blood test. That has me more “cautious.” I use to take them during cycles even if there was a chance I’d get pregnant. Now that I officially am, why would he want to wait 48 more hours? Is it because 26 is too low? Does he not expect it to succeed? Or is there a less cynical reason for it such as the fact that my medications don’t get delivered until tomorrow. Perhaps starting them 48 hours earlier would have no impact at this stage nor the ability to make or break the viability of this pregnancy.
So for the next 48 hours, we just wait. I subconsciously will keep a tally of symptoms. My stomach will flip each time I go to the bathroom in fear of seeing blood on the toilet paper. The pendulum in my mind will chaotically swing back and forth between an ounce of optimism and utter caution. Most of all, I will be thinking of Poppy. My first baby lost in August of 2021. August belongs to her. My grief and longingness for that baby needs this month to remain hers. If this baby can’t survive and make it Earth side, please let it at least live until September.
8/28:
Well the battle against paranoia is beginning to wage, but, so far, I am still coming out on top. Only one Google search in 2 days is probably a record! Nausea persists and still no bleeding. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee the past two nights which is not normal for me, but is common in pregnancies. I also woke up to breast pain! I don’t think I’ve ever been “happy” to wake up to that. I also did another home pregnancy test and the line was much darker and solid. So far, all good things! An odd symptom that has caused the googling is some shoulder pain. It only occurs when I lay down which is odd. Joint and ligament pain, whether back, shoulder, ect. is common in early pregnancy as it prepares for carrying. That voice in the back of my mind keeps saying, “that’s a sign of an ectopic pregnancy!” Dr. Google reminded me that that is accompanied with bleeding, abdominal pain, and other things I’m not experiencing. I’m trying to keep those thoughts at bay. I won’t know anything more until the blood test tomorrow. I feel I’m doing a decent job at being “neutral.” While I am scared, fear isn’t running the show, yet excitement isn’t at the forefront either. I am grateful that school is in session as it is a good distraction and allows me to focus my energy elsewhere. Let’s hope the distraction is enough tomorrow as I wait for my nurse to call with results.
Comentários