August 2021

After 5/6 months of trying, we saw those blessed parallel lines! We did it! We were going to be parents and were simply over the moon! However, our bliss was short lived. I was spotting very light brown and was worried, so I scheduled an emergency appointment Monday morning when they opened. The did bloodwork and ultrasounds and couldn't really say anything until I did repeated bloodwork two days later. The nurses said congratulations and had weak smiles on their faces. This was not comforting.

I tried to stay optimistic and my husband kept telling me not to worry and spotting can happen, but I just knew. I did the repeated bloodwork Wednesday at 6am because of course, it was the first day of school and I teach third grade. You can’t just take an hour off on the first day of school to meet their 4:00 closing time! At that point I had to focus on work and put my worries aside.

Then I wake up Thursday morning to get ready for school, and I was no longer spotting, but bleeding. I woke my husband up and simply sobbed. All I wanted to do was curl up and simply dissolve. I couldn’t call in for a sub on the second day of school. What kind of teacher does that?! My husband said that nothing was final yet, the doctor will call and hopefully give good news. But I already knew.

I got home and the doctors called and confirmed it was a miscarriage as my numbers decreased rather than doubled. I just remember feeling like my stomach was sinking, then immediately dry heaved for about 5 minutes. My husband did what he could to comfort me, but what could he do? I texted my teammate and principal and shared what is happening and they got me a sub and wrote sub plans for me. Thank the Lord! There was no way I could have sat at my computer for an hour and prepared plans for my new students, let alone go to school tomorrow. We informed our family as well, but made it clear that I was not ready to talk about it or have visitors yet.

I basically spent the next week (well, much longer really) crying and putting on a “mask” as I went back to work. Then the following Thursday came and the bleeding became beyond heavy and the cramping was unbearable. With clots the size of my palm, I was instructed to go to the ER. It was so traumatizing seeing all that came out of me. Every clot, wipe, or drop, I would think “is this my baby?” I had to fight for my husband to stay with me due to Covid protocols. I am so grateful to the one nurse that snuck him back. And I was thankful again to my coworkers who prepped sub plans for me again. Everything felt so final now. A miracle was not going to happen and this loss was official. A part of me broke that day and has yet to be fixed.