Again- May 27, 2022

I can't believe I am here again. My second baby is dead. 2. TWO. It doesn't seem real. I can't believe I am wiping away and flushing another down the toilet. What a f**king way to say good bye. Such a disgrace, unfair, cruel.

I just want a family. I just want to be a mother. Is it really so much to ask?! I'll just take one, not even the two I imagined. Plans are worthless. Timelines are nonexistent. My journey of starting a family has been like a messed up game of Chutes and Ladders, but all the ladders are replaced with more chutes. Every time we take a step forward and dodge a slide, we hit the next one and get set back. I need a ladder. I need a win. A small part of me wishes I had died too so I could be with my angels.

I feel a sense of guilt with my second angel. I don't feel the same connection as I did with my little poppy seed. With her, I had hope and not, I don't know, utter fear and dread yet. Now with #2, i don't even have a "name." He was just a poppy seed too, but it feels wrong to use the same name. I called him "little one" when I prayed and begged him to stay alive those few days he was here. That name doesn't feel right either though and I am not sure why. I looked up the flower for May like I did with Poppy being August's flower. I discovered it was a hawthorn. It doesn't have the same connection as Poppy and Poppy Seed. Do I make a name for him to honor him or to give him/ myself words? I can't just come up with something for the sake of it. It seems morbid to search for a name for my dead baby, but I suppose it can't be anything but morbid since he is gone.

Why am I even using "he" and "she?" I'll never know their genders or who they would have been. "It" just seems wrong to say. Maybe it all doesn't matter, but my gut says #1 would have been my daughter and #2 my son.

After some research, Hawthorn works. The hawthorn flower is apparently a symbol of hope. I believe that is something he would want me to still have.